In My Mind
by SamSpade
Summary: Olivia tries to accept Peter's involvement with Rachel. P/O


Hearing his voice on the phone, immediately my mind traveled to work. It was late and though I was reading Ella a story before bed, another story in fact, the fourth one that night, chaos doesn't sleep. I'm surprised when he tells me it's not work, not his father, that's not why he's calling. Apparently he's just calling to talk. I can't help but feel butterflies in my stomach and a smile spread onto my face. My heart nearly skips a beat until I hear the next sentence from his lips, the ones that make the world feel as though it's crashing down on top of me. He wants to speak to my sister, Rachel. I smile as best I can, offering her the phone, and a look I'm trying to hide wanting to ask her why my partner, my colleague is calling my sister instead of me. I know its jealousy coming out but I can't help it. I hear Ella's voice, her words asking if I'll finish reading her the book. How can I say no to her? She's just a child; she's not the one hurting me.

Tomorrow comes and I can't help but feel that twinge of jealous. I want to ask Peter why he would be calling Rachel, what interest he has but the truth is I don't want to know. Honestly I'm not sure I could handle hearing about it. I know it's irrational for me to feel this way, we're not together, we're not anything-friends, perhaps but it's never been more than that. I'm not sure I want it to be. It's not something I want to happen but neither was John Scott. I can't help but feel when I'm around Peter, happier, better. He's been there for me, when I needed him more than anything. Sighing I stare at him, watch him and feel him watching me in return. I give in, asking about Rachel, wanting to know why he's calling my sister and he confesses it was about a song. I want to laugh, I want to believe it's no big deal. "Escape," He tells me is the name of the song. Is that some hidden message, a code that he's ready to leave. I know he's a nomad. He doesn't make connections that last a lifetime. He moves, he leaves, he escapes when things get too tough. I just smile and try to pretend that it doesn't bother me. He must see through the façade because for the briefest of moments, that smile and those eyes I feel my heart pounding. It's then he asks me if I'm jealous. How can I not be? I want to bang him upside the head and remind him I'm a woman, he's flirting with my sister and if I weren't jealous-there'd be something seriously wrong with me. Then again, maybe I'm jealous because there's feelings there I'm not sure I'm ready to face. It's been too soon, since John, hasn't it? Inwardly I fight with myself, with the feelings I had for John, the fact I felt as though it were real but still, I'm unsure, confused and feel betrayed. It hurts to know the one man you felt confident enough in telling him you love him, betrays you, destroys you and tries to kill you. I mourn but not for him.

It's beneath the ground, in the sewers that I hear Peter's charming voice, "don't say I don't take you anywhere." I smile inwardly, feel my heart skip a beat and again I wonder why he's flirting with me when he's dating my sister. Is he even dating Rachel? If he's not, I'm sure it'll happen soon. He's charming, handsome, I'm sure a great kisser, it's only a matter of time until I have to witness it. My stomach does somersaults and I'm grateful for the crazy distraction that is Walter.

I'm grateful when I'm finally able to come home, crawl into bed and lay against the pillow. It's soft, comforting, mildly familiar. A faint smile plays on my lips as I recall the day. I'm relieved it's over though I know tomorrow will probably be just as exhausting. As quickly as I shut off the light I find myself unable to sleep. With monsters underground and whatever else may be lurking I flip it back on, shutting my eyes needing the small amount of comfort it offers me. It's not as though whatever creature might still be loose will avoid my apartment because I have the light on. I don't care. I need to feel safe and the warmth of metal from my gun beneath my pillow is something I try not to do too often. Not with Ella sleeping in the next room. She's four, she knows not to play with guns, not too touch mine but I still can't trust she won't do it. She's a child. They make mistakes. It's not one I'm willing to live with.

I hear a soft patter against the wood grain of the front door. With a sigh I climb out of bed, glancing through the peephole. It's Peter. "Hey," I smile sleepily and though I hadn't fallen asleep the day has still taken its toll on me. "Work?" Usually it's Broyles or Charlie calling me in the middle of the night. Hardly ever Peter waking me up. Usually it's the other way around. I'm stopping by his apartment, waking him and his father at ungodly hours.

"No," he smiles at me, that same boyish smile that makes my heart speed up faster.

"Oh," I try and pretend like it's no big deal. That it doesn't bother me he's here for my sister instead of me. "Rachel's asleep. Should I get her for you?" I can only imagine he's here to see her and though it hurts I force a smile onto my face betraying how I really feel.

"I didn't come here to see your sister," the words don't quite register in my head though the smile on my face begins to feel real, genuine, matching his own.

"You didn't?" I ask him trying to hide the surprise as my stomach knots and I feel my heart quickening. I wonder if he feels it too? Or if he can hear how loud my heart is slamming against my chest. If he stepped closer certainly he'd notice.

"Come on, Livia," it's his voice, the accent and how he says my name that always makes me smile. He's the only one that can get away with forgetting the 'O' and making it sound so natural and sexy. Peter stares at me, reaching out his fingers falling into my hair. I expel a loud sigh, feeling completely content and slightly aroused. Just his proximity is enough to do this to me, to make me feel this way. I'm not used to it and it scares me, only because it's Peter.

"Your," the words are quickly lost on me but I can't let him see the effect he has. He can't know what he does to me. I can't keep making the same mistakes, no matter how right it feels. "Peter." His name slips off my tongue and I'm surprised when I feel him lean in and his lips find mine, taking a taste. Instantly my eyes close and I feel more alive than I have in a long time. My arms wrap around his neck, pulling him closer, tighter to me. "What are we doing?" I know it's a stupid question but I can't stop myself from asking it.

His lips refuse to leave mine and the next thing I know I'm walking him backwards into my room. His hands are all over my skin, with no aim in mind. His touch is nothing like I imagined and better than I could have dreamed. I feel my body shuddering before he's even managed to undress me. There's a power he has, a way with my body that I can't explain.

"Peter," my voice calls out, forcing me awake. I groan as I realize the most incredibly feeling I had was only a dream. I'm covered in sweat and I squint at the bedroom light I had left on, reaching it out shutting it off like I should have earlier. Glancing at the clock I know I have to be up in a few hours but all I can do is shut my eyes and pray I find him again in my sleep, hope I can catch up where we left off, and enjoy the next few hours if only in my mind.

A/N: Thanks for reading and supporting my writing! I've now writing full time and have published a novel _Aberrant_, a Young Adult Romantic Dystopian Adventure. Be sure to check it out at


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